


Congratulations

by ImNotThatGoodOfAPerson



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Brooke fucking destroys jeremy, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, One sided Brooke Lohst/Jeremy Heere, One sided pinkberry, One sided puppy love, Pinkberry, Playride, Slow Burn, Slurs, Suicide Attempt, brooke is a fucking bad ass, eventual boy friends, idk - Freeform, maybe smut later, meremy, song fic kind of?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 16:35:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13239732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImNotThatGoodOfAPerson/pseuds/ImNotThatGoodOfAPerson
Summary: This is loosely based off the song Congratulations from Hamilton.“Jeremy.” She murmured in disbelief. She was aware her voice was quivering. She was aware her shoulders were shaking. She was aware the her chest was heaving. He didn't have the right. He didn't have the right to be here. He caused all this. He caused Micheal to...to.. to!“Brooke…” Jeremy's concerned tone snapped Brooke out of her trance. Hate began to course through her mixing itself deep within her anger. Gritting her teeth she forced herself to look at him. She almost laughed as she watched his expression change when her face revealed itself from the curtains of her blonde strands. His face changed from concern to fear as her angry gaze fell upon him.“Congratulations.”





	1. A Damage You Can Never Undo

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I haven't written a fanfic in a while. So while constructive critism is welcome please go easy on me.

 

Brooke sat there ringing her hands desperately trying to swallow the lump that was lodged in her throat. Her mind racing a mile a minute. The pungent scent of hospital filled her nose with every rising breath. She stretched her aching back and shifted her body trying to find a comfortable position within the waiting rooms plastic chairs. She glanced around the eggshell white room, her blue eyes scanning every crack and corner. Anything to distract her. Anything to keep her from seeing _that_ sight. No matter what she did _that_ kept replaying in her mind. Over and over it she couldn’t stop it. No matter where she looked the sight of blood imprinted itself in her mind. The sound of the sirens were still blaring in her mind. Almost drowning out the constant _tick tick tick_ of the clock.

 _Tap tap tap….tap tap tap….tap tap tap._  The lady next to her glared at her in annoyance. Brooke was well aware of her leg jiggling up and down, but she made no efforts to stop this nervous habit. She had more pressing matters on her mind.

_Michael._

Oh god Michael. She glanced down at the now scrunched up paper that was being strangled by her well manicured fist. No matter how much she wanted to she couldn’t bring herself to read it. She couldn’t stop her trembling enough to take the note from her sweaty palms. She couldn’t stop her heart from beating fast enough to uncrumple the sheet. She could calm her racing mind down enough to smooth out the edges and read it. She knew what would happen if she did. The tears would start streaming down her puffy face again. The saltiness would sting her eyes again. She would cry so much that she would start dry heaving again. She would break down again.

She drew a shaky breath and wrapped her arms around herself hugging herself tight. Anything to stop the shaking. She gripped the note hard between her fingers molding it into a ball, tracing the sharp curves and edges she had created. Ever so often her fingers would fall upon a particularly hard lump. She didn’t have to look to see what it was though. She already knew. She knew because she could _smell it_. The strong scent of sticky metallic scarlet was traveling with the smell of antibiotics and hand sanitizer. She didn’t need to look down to know the paper was splattered with blood.

_His blood_

Her vision was blurring again. She desperately wanted to squeeze her eyes shut, and let the tears fall. But she couldn’t. If she did the memories would come back. More vividly than ever, as if though they were being projected on the back of her eyelids. The warm thick taste of blood filled her mouth as she bit down hard on her already chapped lip. Suppressing her whimpers she dug her nails deep into her sides, hoping the pain would distract her.

She could practically hear him now. She could almost feel his hands on hers. Those warm and gentle palms sliding against her own. His larger fingers awkwardly intertwining with her smaller ones.  They never seemed to quite fit in between her own, but he always tried anyways. Like a toddler trying to squish a puzzle piece in the wrong spot.

 _“Come on Brookey don’t do that, you’ll ruin your nails.”_ Her dry aching throat hitched itself on a sob. God she could even see his _smile_ , she could hear his tone smeared in amusement. She could feel it. Hear it. The sound of her heart tearing at the realization. The thought that she may never see that smile again.

She didn’t need to read the note to know what it was about. She had already seen the first word. Scrawled out hastily in his surprisingly neat handwriting.

_Jeremy_

She laughed bitterly. Of course it was Jeremy’s fault. No matter what it always boiled down to Jeremy. Hell if it wasn’t for Jeremy they probably would have never even became friends in the first place. She felt a small smile twitch at the corners of her mouth as she thought about that night.

 

***Flashback***

_Brooke sat there the bottle of alcohol dangling loosely between her fingers. The pounding vibrations of the music rocked her back in forth, in sync with the pounding of her head ache. She honestly didn’t know what hurt more. The fact that Jeremy had cheated on her or the fact that it was with her best friend. She felt her shoulders begin to heave again. This time not with the shaking of sobs. No...this was different. She lurched forward as the first wave of nausea washed over her._

_Oh god she was going to puke._

_She stood up as suddenly as she could causing another wave of nausea to smack down on her. Stumbling drunkenly she scanned her surroundings as they danced around her. Her legs wobbled beneath her weight as the cold sweats began._

_Bathroom. She needed the bathroom. Gripping the countertop desperate to support herself she drew a shaky breath._

_“Are you okay?” Brooke jumped as a cool hand placed itself on her shoulder. She turned around as steadily as she could to find herself face to face with Jenna. Swallowing the saliva that had began to mount in her mouth she nodded meekly._

_“Yeah...I just...I need to go to the bathroom. Do you know where it is?” She asked her speech slurring slightly. “Yeah.” said Jenna pointing down the hall. “But someone appears to be having period problems in there so I don’t know if its open.”  Brooke squinted as she tried to follow Jenna’s finger down the swimming hallway. Just as her eyes landed on the desired destination her stomach contracted causing her to double over. She didn’t give a fuck if it was occupied, she needed in NOW._

_“Okay thank you.” Brooke suddenly began her journey down the crowded hall. Hugging herself she started to weave her way through the thick crowd. She whimpered as the sensation of nausea began to overwhelm her again. Honestly the smell of sweat and weed wasn’t really helping._

_When she had finally reached the door she was on the brink of tears. Leaning a noddley arm on the door she gave it a soft knock._

_“Occupied!” a choked up voice called back. Brookes stomach churned unpleasantly as it started to heave again. “P-please!” She called back. “I-I need to get in I’m...I’m going to vomit!”_

_Her nails dug into the door the chipped wood and paint working its way between the nail and bed. “Please.” She croaked out. “I just need to get in there.” She stood there tear welling in her eyes._

_She listened closely as the person began to shuffle towards the door. Her heart swelled as she heard the click of the lock. She stumbled slightly losing her balance as the door opened slightly. Her stomach contracted again, but this time she could feel the contents starting to work their way up her throat. Shoving past who ever was in there she made a beeline for the toilet.  Her body heaved itself over the porcelain bowl as she started spewing chunks. The wretched sting of stomach acid burned her throat as she clutched the sides of the toilet. She coughed roughly as she felt herself begin to vomit again. She was suddenly hit with a soft blast of cool air. She looked up through her tears to find that her gold locks were no longer framing her face.  She tensed slightly as the sensation of a large palm tentatively touched her back, but relaxed as it started rubbing awkward but soothing circles._

_She looked up peering through her watery tears. She was met with a pair of soft brown eyes looking down at her through thick rims. She squinted drunkenly at him trying to put blurry faces to a blurry name._

_“Are you done?” a hoarse voice asked.  Realization dawned on her as it clicked in her mind. Even though she had only heard that voice a handful of times there was only one person this could be. But before she could address him the sound of retching clogged her throat as she leaned back over the bowl. They sat there in silence. The only sound was Brookes sobs and retches as they bounced off the tiles._

_She panted heavily the taste of vomit lingering in her mouth. “Sorry.” She muttered as she turned to face Michael.  “It’s fine.” He responded releasing her sweaty locks. “Do you think you could you know...help me?” She asked her throat screaming in agony as the words scraped her raw insides. “Yeah sure.” He said his voice was soft but it held a curtness to it. Though he was clearly uncomfortable he lifted her arm around his shoulder anyway.  Her limbs trembled in exhaustion as he helped her rise on her feet. He started to lead her towards the door when she let out a meek “No.” Brooke gripped Michael tightly as she nodded her head towards the sink. He stared  at her silently, but then began towards her desired direction with a sigh. She lunged forward grabbing the marble countertop and released a breath that she didn’t realize she had been holding.  She reached over tiredly and turned on the faucet. The coolness of the water soothed her aching throat as she tried to rid the taste of her ‘episode’._

_The faucet handle screeched as she turned it off, her reflection catching her eye._

_The red puffy streaks lined themselves over her creamy complexion. Her aching red lips matched her eyes. Her sweaty bangs clung to her forehead and her makeup was haphazardly smeared across her face. She was a hot mess._

_Her already broken face crumpled at the sight, sniffling she slide down to the cold tile floor and buried her head in her knees. She sat there sobbing while Michael watched uncomfortably._

_She could feel his eyes on her. He was judging her wasn't he. Judging her because she was a drunken sobbing mess. Her back prickled in discomfort. She could feel his eyes on her, watching every sniffle and shudder. This happened for sometime until Brooke couldn’t take it anymore. Her head shot up ready to tell him off, but as soon as she saw him her anger died in her throat._

_He was staring at her alright, but he wasn’t seeing her. His blood shot eyes were glazed in a sad far off look. Tears slide down his face and dripped off his jaw. Unlike Brookes loud heaving sobs, his were soft and quiet. His quivers and trembles were so small you would have to squint to see them. For the first time in forever, Brooke felt invisible._

_Wiping her eyes she reached out and placed a gentle hand on his knee. He jumped under her touch immediately drawing back. Reddened blue met reddened brown. “Are...is...everything okay?” She hiccuped_

_Michael seemed to tower over her. For the first time ever Brooke drank in the sight of the boy. His unruly dark hair stuck up in strange angles. His clothes hung off him swallowing his frame. His glasses perched themselves on his nose. Which appeared to be the only sharp feature on his round face. She probably would have found him cute if she didn’t know the one thing she knew about him. It wasn’t news, the whole school knew he was gay. Still he was pretty attractive for a loser._

_She watched as he reached up to wipe his tears on his sleeve. His expression of shock twisted to bitterness. “Why do you care?” Brooke winced clearly stung by his harsh cold words. Okay that was rude, but then again he had every right to be. After a brief moment of silence Brooke spoke. “Well why do you?” She asked. “You could have just stood there and watch me….barf….but you helped me. So why do you care?” Michael looked down at the floor, rocking back and forth on his heels. This went on for quite awhile until finally he muttered something. “What was that?” Brooke asked._

_“I said I figured if I helped you...you would leave faster.” Michael said avoiding her gaze. “Oh.” Brooke shifted uncomfortably at this. The unfamiliar feeling of being unwanted came crashing down on her hard. The awkward tension between them grew thicker by the minute. Even though she knew that he had every right to be upset at her, she couldn’t help but feel a little crushed. Michael had returned to staring at the very interesting tile. She watched as he squirmed in discomfort and guilt. Before she could stop herself the question on her mind came bursting out._

_“Did my friends do this?” Brooke blurted her cheeks immediately heating up in embarrassment. Michaels eyes widened in surprise his head snapping up. “What?” he asked his voice ringing out in surprise. “I said did my friends do this...make you cry I mean.” Brooke asked suddenly feeling shy. Michael scoffed at this his eyes rolling. “Kind of.” He said his tone cold and bitter. Brooke cocked her head in confusion at this._

_“What do you mean kind of?” Michael stared back at her his expression a mixture of anger and sorrow. Brooke bit her lip slightly and pulled her knees closer to her chest. “Well if you don’t want to tell me who….do you want to tell me what happened.” She asked hoping to somehow break the thick and hard ice between them._

_“I don’t know! Why don’t you ask your boyfriend?!” Michael spat. Michael froze at this. His expression mimicking a child who has been caught up past their bedtime. “I’m sorry.” He muttered. “Forget I said anything.”_

_“He’s...he’s not my boyfriend.” Brooke croaked. The words felt thick and chunky in her mouth. “Not anymore.” She said her voice small. Brooke forced herself to meet Michaels gaze. His face expression was a mix between confusion, guilt, and something else she couldn’t quite name._

_“He um….he cheated on me...with Chloe.” She winced slightly grimacing at her own words. “Oh...I’m sorry.” Michael said his voice soft. “It’s okay.” Brooke lied. She patted the spot next to her on the floor. The sound of the palm slapping the tile ringing out across the bathroom._

_“You can um...You can tell me what happened if you like.” Michael looked between her and the spot she was patting. He stood there quietly as a unsure expression fell upon him. He stood there contemplating for what seemed like hours until finally he spoke._

_“Alright…” He said as he stiffly made his way over to her. Sliding down the sink smoothly.  He glanced back at her suspiciously.  Brooke smiled softly in hopes of gaining a small bit of trust. She listened as he began to explain. His hands moving wildly as his words became more heated. Her stomach sunk as Michael's feelings spewed out on the floor. All she could do is nod while he spoke. He finally finished his rant with a big exhale of relief and exhaustion._

_“Wow…” Brooke said. She was honestly lost for words. She glanced at Michael as he began to pull on his hoodie nervously. His eyes darting back and forth, he looked as if though he was going to have a meltdown. Brooke reached for him, but then drew back as he flinched under her touch. Suddenly she had a idea. His suspicious gaze followed her as she stood up. Flipping her gross hair over her shoulder she pulled on the most stuck up face she could muster. She looked back at him mischievously and cleared her throat. “My name is Jeremy and I’m the worlds biggest jerk when it comes to relationships.” Brooke said making her voice as nasally as possible. She grinned as Michael let out a snort of laughter. “No no no he sounds more like this.” Michael said grinning back at her. “My name is Jeremy and I’m a desperate twink. See you have to make it less nasally and more like a twelve year old on helium.”_

_The two teens stared at each other for a good couple of minutes until they both broke out in laughter. The sound of his joy bouncing off the walls warmed her to the very core._

 

***End of flashback***

 

Brooke whimpered as the sound of his laughter echoed against her hollow insides. In the end he had agreed to take her home so she didn't have to ride with Chloe. They stopped at Denny's (on account of Brooke's empty stomach) and spent the rest of the night mocking Jeremy, and stuffing themselves with pancakes. After awhile she conked out in his car, and he carried her to his couch. He had explained later that he didn't know where she lived and wasn't going to leave her there.

Brooke ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled shakily. Jesus thinking about this hurt more than thinking about…

Brooke was suddenly pulled out of her thoughts when a voice rang out.

“Brooke!”

Her blood ran cold. She'd recognize that voice anywhere. Her stomach sunk as she spotted him. She watched blankly as he moved towards her. His face was pale and shaken. She didn't know what angered her more. The fact that he was here or the fact that he had the fucking nerve to be concerned.

After all this was his fault. She stood up as his lean frame approached hers. She looked down at Michael's note shaking in her hands. Why was he here? What did he want? Wasn't he aware he already had caused enough pain?

“Jeremy.” She murmured in disbelief. She was aware her voice was quivering. She was aware her shoulders were shaking. She was aware the her chest was heaving. He didn't have the right. He didn't have the right to be here. He caused all this. He caused Micheal to...to.. to!

“Brooke…” Jeremy's concerned tone snapped Brooke out of her trance. Hate began to course through her mixing itself deep within her anger. Gritting her teeth she forced herself glance up at him. She almost laughed as she watched his expression shift. Lifting her head, her face revealing itself from the curtains of her blonde strands. His pale face morphing from a look of concern to complete and utter fear. She glared at him. Keeping him captive under her angery gaze. Disgust and loathing swirled around in her stomach. Her perfectly pink lips curled upward in a snarl. Her voice hung heavily in the air between them. Carrying a tone colder then death.

“Congratulations.”

 


	2. Good For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooke basically tears Jere a new one.

_“Congratulations.”_

What the  fuck was she talking about? Jeremy stood there in confusion as the angry blonde glowered at him. Congratulations? Michael had tried to kill himself and here she was congratulating him. Jesus he knew the popular kids all hated Michael, but this...this was too far. He glanced over her shoulder at the holographic blue figure in hope for some answers. But for some reason the Squip was completely silent.

Something was wrong. His stomach plummeted as her voice echoed in his ear.

_Congratulations._

The tone was dripping in sarcasm in malice. He stared at her dumbfounded, her normally cheerful face twisted in disgust and hate. Why was she even here?  The only thing he could think of was that this was their effort of some kind of sick joke. Something was definitely off though. He looked around the room, half expecting Rich to pop out and start laughing. If this was a joke….then why did Brooke look so...so...so _utterly disgusted with him._

He withdrew a shaky breath. He honestly didn’t know what scared him more. The fact that Michael had tried to kill himself, or Brookes behavior right now. He shrunk back as she pinned him under her infuriated gaze.  

Halloween.

Jeremy flinched as the memories of that night flooded into his head. Maybe it was the fire or maybe she had her heart broken one to many times. He didn’t know what it was, but something happened that night that had changed Brooke for the worse. He could understand the glaring. He could take the coldness, the sour expression that fell over her when their eyes met. That wasn’t what concerned him. She had started acting weird.  Her mental health seemed to have suffered greatly in some form. 

It started the first day back since the party.

She had walked in the lunchroom a foreign look of nervousness plagued her face. Jeremy remembered the pit in his stomach growing with guilt as he spotted her. He watched quietly as the Squip chatted in his ear, explaining how to deal with the uncomfortableness when she sat down. Suddenly out of the blue Brookes face lit up like a child on christmas. He watched curiously as she scurried over to a empty table excitedly.

At first that didn’t strike him as strange.

He had assumed she was just relieved to find a empty spot to avoid him and Chloe.

No what struck Jeremy as odd is as soon as she sat she began excitedly waving her arms. Almost as if she was having a conversation. At the time he just brushed it off, but then the behavior started to increase. Soon Brooke was having full on conversations with pretty much anything. Chairs, tables, lockers, hell she even talked to Michael's PT cruiser on more than one occasion. She would often ditch them waving excitedly at empty spaces as she ran to embrace the air in a hug. The rest of the squad had noticed this too. They all looked at Brooke shaking their heads in disapproval as she laughed linking arms with her imaginary friend.

That must be it. She must still be upset about halloween he concluded ignoring the nagging feeling in the back of his head. The one telling him he was wrong. He inhaled sharply, this was pretty horrible to begin with. But on top of that they had sent _Brooke?!_ Of all people! He could feel his knees start to buckle beneath him. This...this was to much. To much at once. It’s one thing to pick on Michael at school, but to come here and pick on him after he tried to commit suicide?!

He felt his heart lurch at that thought, that word.

_Suicide_

Michael had tried to kill himself. He had tried to rid the world of his existence. He had tried to erase himself from the narrative. And here was Brooke, a girl that not only hated him but was here to mock him. To mock him for caring. He opened his mouth trying to form the words, but before he could speak the panic seized them. Gripping them tight so the only thing that came out was a inhuman screech.

_Get out_

Two simple words. That was it he needed her to get out. To leave him alone, Michael already had enough to deal with. The last thing he needed was popular assholes getting up his face.

 **_“Popular assholes such as yourself?”_ ** The Squip asked his tone far too amused for Jeremy’s liking. _“Shut up.”_ Jeremy shot back as the Squip smirked. The Squip shrugged at this, but thankfully fell silent again. Taking a couple deep breaths he forced himself to meet Brookes fiery glare.

In

Out

In

Out

 _Breathe._ You can do this, just ask her to leave. It’s the least you could do for him. Musturing all his courage parted his lips slightly. But before he could even let out a pathetic squeak the cold sharpness of her tone cut him off.

 

_You have invented a new kind of stupid_

 

“You have invented a new kind of stupid.” She spat. Jeremy was a good foot taller than the petite blonde, but in that moment she seemed to tower over him. He stepped back as her rigid body shook. Her wild eyes glared at him, her face flushed in the deep red of anger.

 

_A ‘damage you can never undo’ kind of stupid_

 

“A ‘damage you can never undo’ kind of stupid!”

Too much, this was too much. He could feel the walls caving in on him, tears pricking at the corners of his eye. The hot panic came crashing down on him, filling him up to the brim. He took a step back trying desperately to escape. But Brooke only stepped closer her body quivering in fury.

 

_An ‘open all the cages in the zoo’ kind of stupid_

 

“You fucking idiot, what is wrong with you?!” She glared at him.

Breathe.

He couldn’t breathe.

He gasped desperately. His throat closing into a small hole. His legs were shaking uncontrollably now, but Brooke didn’t seem to care.

 

_Truly you didn’t think this through kind of stupid_

“You really didn’t think any of this through, did you?!” He felt his back hit the wall. The cool concert did nothing to stop his panicking nerves. He could feel all the other occupants eyes on them as Brooke cornered him.

 

Let's review.

 

He gulped as her eyes flashed dangerously. “You just had to go to far didn’t you?” She said her voice dangerously low. Sarcasam was pratically oozing out of tht darkness of her tone. “You had to give that final nudge.”

 

_You took a rumor a few maybe two people knew, and refuted it by sharing a affair of which no one has accused you_

 

“A rumor Jeremy! It was only a rumor! But no. You had to make a huge fucking scene!” Brooke was inches from his face now. “Jesus fucking Christ! You’re so desperate for any form of validation. Anything at all! You’ll do anything to get it, anything at all! So much that you don't care who you hurt! It doesn' matter at all! As long as fucking _Chloe_ still likes you?! Huh?! Is that why your here? Or maybe because Jake sent you?! Him and Rich want to have a laugh?! Oh it's so _funny,_ Micheal is dying! Or better yet you're here because Jenna sent you! Is that it?! Have her broadcast across the school  _Fucking Pathetic Fag Kills himself_ _!_ ” Jeremy began to sweat, anxiety riddling him to the very core. What was she talking about? What was going on?

 "Wha-? I-?" Jeremy stuttered, stumbling over shallow breaths. "I-...I'm here for Micheal! He...he's my......" Jeremy stopped his breath catching in his throat.

_My what?_

Brooke scoffed. "Oh? Now you're here for him? Is that it? Well it's a little to fucking late. Honestly Jeremy what right do you think you have? That you can just waltz in here after all the pain you put him through, and suddenly  _be here for him_. News flash it doesn't work that way! Where were you when he was stuck in that bathroom at party? Shaking and crying, scared out of his mind? Huh? Where were you when he came to school with bags under his eyes?! Where were you when his cheeks started hollowing and ribs started to show?! Where where you when the cuts and scars started showing?! Where were you during every panic attack and break down?! Oh wait I know! You were to busy _screwing_ _Chloe!"_

_I asked you to take a break_

_You refused to_

 

“I asked you to stop, I told you to cut it out.” Brook said her anger wavering slightly caung her expression to soften slightly, only to harden again. “Instead you blew me off. Instead you pushed even harder!”

 

_So scared of what your enemies will do to you, you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose too! You know why Jefferson gets to do what he wants? He doesn’t signify schoolyard taunts with a response_

 

She looked at him. Her face painted in absolute disgust and disbelief. “So scared of what your enemies will do to you, you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose too! You know why Jake gets to do what he wants? He doesn’t address to whispers by losing his shit in the halls.” Jeremy pushed himself into the wall as much as he could. Hoping that maybe, just maybe the solid matter would open up and swallow him whole.

 

_So yeah, Congratulations_

 

“So yeah, Congratulations!” She sneered. He looked at the squip eyes wide in desperation. _“Help me.”_ Jeremy pleaded _“Help me please...I don't  understand what's going on.”_ The Squip laughed. The hollow emptiness of it sent chills down the boys spine.

 **_“Seriously? You haven’t figured it out by now?”_** The Squip stepped closer, frowning as Jeremy shook his head. **_“God no wonder you need my help.”_ ** It scoffed, huffing in annoyance. Sighing apathetically at his stupidity the squip walked over to the unfolding scene. It leaned nonchalantly against the wall. _“What do you mean?”_ Jeremy asked _“Figure out what?”_

The Squip eyed him pursuing its lip in annoyance. **_“Fine.”_ ** It stated. **_“If you really want to know I’ll show you.”_ **

“Show me what-” Before he could finish he was cut off by a loud _snap_ of the Squips fingers. Jeremy yelped as the memories began to flood in. They all came crashing down on him at once. Surrounding him, smothering him, he was drowning in flashes of….of Brooke?

 _Brooke at the mall, Brooks walking down the halls chatting to herself, Brooke laughing with a locker, Brooke waving to a bush, Brooke sitting alone at lunch._ Wait no…she wasn’t alone. Jeremy squinted as a blurry figure started to fill the empty space in front of the blonde. His heart stopped.

His breath hitched in shock as almost every memory of Brooke talking to herself flashed in front of him. They were different now though. No she wasn’t talking to herself anymore.

_Brooke at the mall with Michael, Brooke walking down the halls arms linked with Michael, Brooke laughing with Michael at his locker, Brooke waving at Michael._

_Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael._ Almost every memory of Brooke after halloween now had Michael in it. A giggling, smiling, happy Michael.

Hot tears welled in his eyes as a picture of Brooke embracing the tan teen punched him in the gut. The harsh stinging pain of regret nipped at his heart at the thought of being replaced.

More memories came. _Michaels face as Jeremy looked at Brooke questionably, Michaels face when he asked her if she was doing alright, Michaels face when….._

When he had asked her why she was talking to a wall. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to erase the image from his mind. Trying to erase the way his lip quivered. Trying to erase the way his smile slipped forming a crushed frown. Trying to erase the way his brown eyes bore into his own.

Those eyes. They stared back at him, broken hurt peering back at him from behind the widows of his frames. His heart twisted and contorted itself in ways that Jeremy didn’t know were possible. Eyes that once harbored so much joy and love looked back at him tiredly. They stared at him hollow and empty. The guilt brewing within him soon melted into more panic. It reached up and clutching him in its grip.

 _“Make it stop.”_ He croaked. The cold icicles of anxiety prickled in the back of his mind. _“Make it stop!”_ He cried. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t take it anymore. Everywhere he looked he saw it. Michaels eyes watched him, followed him as Jeremy struggled and squirmed against the caverns of his brain.

 _“Make it stop!”_ He cried again. _“Please! Make it stop! I can’t do it!”_

He pleaded. _“Make it stop! Make it go away!”_

 _“Make it stop”_ He repeated. _“Make it stop, Make it stop, Make it stop!”_

Suddenly everything around him started fading. He watched as the images of Brooke and Michael suddenly began to melt away. They disappeared, crumbling into the abyss taking Michaels eyes with them.

Jeremy gasped and sputtered as he was suddenly very aware of his heavy breathing. He opened his eyes again to find himself back in the hospital, and a very upset Brooke still in front of him.

 

_Angelica_

 

“Brooke…” He croaked.

 

**POV Change**

 

“Brooke…”

Brooke was aware of how things looked. She was well aware of the circumstance. She was aware of the people who looked up from their newspapers and magazines to watch the crazy lady attack the poor stuttering boy in the corner. She couldn't care less. He deserved it. He deserved to cower. He deserved to shake in shudder in fear. He deserved to wince and flinch as guilt wrapped it’s clammy coldness around him.

He deserved it.

At least that’s what she told herself. There was still that part of her though. It was small, but it was still there. The rational part of her softened in sympathy as she watched his eyes dart around in sheer panic. That part of her wanted to reach out to him, hold him, caress him. It wanted to rock him back and forth and murmur comforting things in his ear. But then the image of Michael, limp and lifeless would come back and fill her with rage.

She glared down at the pathetic mess in front of her. All his fault. All his doing, and what for. Popularity? She snorted watching as the scum started to gasp and stutter.

 

_You’ve redefined your legacy, Congratulations_

 

“You’ve gained back your popularity.” She said, her light airy tone surprising herself.  “I'm happy for you. Really I am. You've really outdone yourself this time Jeremy. You know at least when he wakes up.... _if he wakes up_.....He'll at least finally be able to move on. I'll tell him all it took for you to grace us with you divine presence is to fucking throw his life away. That after all he did for you, _this_ is what it took for you to even acknowledge his exsistance......and....and then...he'll finally know where he stands in your fucking popularity game.  He'll wake up and.....he'll let go. He'll move past that codepenacey you two had built, and move on. Continue to be that amazing beautiful person I've gotten to know over these past couple months. He'll see how little he really means to you, and this way maybe....Just maybe he can finally have some closure. He can finally wake up and.....he'll see me.... and smile for once. Knowing he doesn't have to worry....no longer wondering if you'll come back. Knowing that your no longer a part of his life.”  She glared at him as he sputtered out weak protests, trying to find his squeaky voice. A small crowd began to form around them. The scent of middle age women and newspaper mixed itself in with the tension between them.

“Congratulations.” Her eyes darkened at this. “I hope it was worth it.”

 

_It was a act of political sacrifice_

 

“In order to upgrade you have to be willing to make a sacrifice….” He croaked. That made her blood freeze and boil at once. Her mind batted away the meek brokenness of his tone and focused itself solely on his words.  She could feel her nails breaking the skin of her palms as her fingers curled in a fist. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing even while Michael was dying he was still hung up on popularity. Her mouth dried up as it filled itself with a foul taste.

 

_Sacrifice_

 

“Sacrifice?”

The hurt flowed out of her stomach, up her throat, and into that one word. Shock and disgust clung to every letter and syllable as the moved past her lips. Though her voice was small and soft she could feel the cold rawness of hostility. The thickness of it hung between them clinging to the tension growing larger second.   He looked down his face molded in shame.

 

_I languished in a loveless marriage in London_

_I lived only to read your letters_

 

Before she knew what was happening her voice snaked its way out of her. “I spent my days in a toxic friendship. I lived only to read your messages.”

Stop it. Stop, take those feelings. Take them and lock them back up where they belong.

She couldn’t stop though. It was too late. He had turned the handle and her faucet was leaking. Her breath shaked, matching the small vulnerability of her voice.

 

_I look at you and think God what have we done with our lives and where did it get us_

 

“I look at you and think God what have we done with our lives and where did it get us” She shook at the sensation. The feeling of being too open, too exposed. She shifted on her feet back and forth nervously. Any second now, any second someone could come and rip her apart. Tear her to shreds. She was sweating, her heart leaping into her throat. As months of repressed affection for the boy in front of her tried to claw its way out.

 

_That doesn’t wipe the tears, or the years away_

 

“That doesn’t wipe the tears, or the months away.” She could feel him watching her. His eyes trailing her defenseless posture, as she hugged herself searching for some sort of guard against the harsh world.

 

_But I’m back in the city and I’m here to stay_

_And you know what I’m here to do?_

 

“But I’m at here his side, and I’m here to stay.” She forced herself to look up at him. He was staring back at him his expression unreadable. “And you know what I’m here to do?” She laughed bitterly. She traced Michaels note lightly with her thumb.

Michael.

She wasn’t here to confess to Jeremy. She wasn’t here to wallow in her own unrequited love. She wasn’t here to hold him. She wasn’t here to long to dive into those scrawny arms and sob. No matter how much she itched to she wasn’t here for any of that. She was here for one thing and one thing only. And that thing was currently fighting for a life that he wanted to throw away down the hall.

A life he wanted to give up because of the boy she had to restrain from embracing.

She shuddered taking a deep breath. The thick hospital air scratched roughly against her dry chalky throat. Blinking back a few stray tears she looked him dead in the eye.

 

_I’m not here for you_

 

“I’m not here for you.”

 

**POV Change**

 

He stood there quivering. His legs felt heavy as if though someone had just filled his converse with led. Brooke was looking at him again. Tears running down her thin face, a glimmer of sadness flickered across her stormy blue gazes He reached a shaky hand to her, but it was immediately batted away.

 

_I know my sister like I know my own mind_

_You will never find anyone as trusting or kind_

 

“I know my best friend like I know my own mind. You never find anyone as trusting or as kind!”  
Jeremy flinched at this, the unfamiliar of Michael being called best friend by anyone but him twisting his gut. He could be losing him right now. Michael could be slipping away and the last thing he would have said _Loser._ No...he had already lost him.

 

_And a million years ago she said to me “This ones mine”_

 

“And to think after all that he still-” Brooke stopped suddenly mid sentence her eyes widening. She took a few shallow breaths and then wiped her eyes. Her face crumbling, her eyes suddenly looked so far away.“Nevermind”

 

_So I stood by…_

 

They stood there a small silence falling between them. Brooke stood there her whole body wracking tears cascading over her rosey cheekes. A guilty look plagued her pained face as she stood there sobbing. The choking sound of her pain bouncing off the aluminum.

 

_Do you know why?_

 

“Do you know why?” Brooke whispered. “What?” Jeremy asked his words forced. “I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHY?” Brooke screeched her smooth voice hitching on a sob. Her body was shaking with hysterics now. Any sort of rationality thrown out the window.

 

_I love my sister more than anything in this life_

 

“I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE!”

 

_I would choose her happiness over mine any time_

 

“I WOULD CHOOSE HIS HAPPINESS OVER MINE ANYTIME!”

 

_Eliza_

 

“MICHAEL” Brooke wailed her broken voice filling every nook and cranny of the hospital. Her voice was cracking and breaking in all kinds of ways even Jeremy couldn't accomplish. Her breathing was heavy and uneven. Her lips glistened with tears and snot. Her blood shot eyes wet and pained burned into him. Her arms flawed wildly with each passing hitch and hiccup Jeremy stood there the guilt gnawing away at his insides as Brooke started to breakdown.

 

_Is the best thing in our lives_

 

“Is the best thing in our life!”

 

_So never lose sight of the fact you have been blessed with the best wife_

 

“So never lose fact that you have been blessed with with best friend!” Brooke stepped towards him. Jeremy stumbled back as she she shoved something hard against his chest. He gripped the wall trying to regain his balance. He hung his head panting heavily. Brooke may be small but she is not weak thats for sure. He scanned the floor for whatever she had thrown at him. His heart stopped.

_Paper_

A small waded ball of lined notebook paper lay at his toes. He looked up at her, but before he could ask she cut him off. “Everything in it is about you.” Brooke narrowed her eyes. “Some of it's about the good times you had, but most of its about how you fucking broke him.” Jeremy winced as she dumped salt into his already aching heart.  She eyed him looking almost repulsed by his very existence.

 

_But yeah, Congratulations_

 

“But yeah, Congratulations” Jeremy bent down took pickup Michaels note. His legs almost collapsing beneath him as he slowly sunk to the floor. He bite his lip in order to stop the scream that was aching to be released. He reached for the paper, praying silently that his hands would stop trembling so much.  

 

_Every sacrifice you make is for my sister give her the best life._

 

“Every ‘sacrifice’ you make is for my best friend give him the best life.” Jeremy looked up, clutching the note to his chest tightly like a lifeline. She was standing over him now. The curtains of her hair encircling the two of them. Cutting them off from the outside world. He was suddenly engulfed in a world of bubblegum scented chapstick and coconut shampoo. “I hope you’re happy.” She murmured. For the first time that night Jeremy got a good look at the blonde. Her hostile face looked down on him, completely void of make up. He was finally able to see the real proportions of her bear face. The color was drained from her, making the puffy red blotches look outlandish against her skin.

Her lips were chapped and scabbing, probably from biting them. Her previously angry eyes stared back at him tiredly. Dark baggs of exhaustion hung beneath them. She leaned in closer, the ends of her hair almost resting on his shoulders. He squirmed as her closeness began to suffocate him. Fueling his anxiety, her hot breath tickling his ear

 

“Congratulations.” She whispered. She stood up slowly, eyeing him one last time. Her blank expression sending chills down his spin. He watched as she spun on her heel, and pushed her way out of the confused crowd. Which soon dispersed once they realized that the show had ended. Leaving Jeremy on the floor in a panicking mess. He slowly but surely began to unfold Michaels note. Trying to smooth out the crinkled edges the best he could with shaky fingers.  He stopped and looked down his palms grazing something hard and solid.

_Blood_

Michael's blood had been sprinkled and splattered across the crisp white page. Jeremy could feel himself growing dizzy. The room spun around him, the walls and furniture blurring together. He bit his white knuckles o stop himself from passing out. He sat there, shoulders shaking as he began to wail. People passed by but thye made no comments. Their eyes only fell upon his form for a moment or two and then moved on. It was enough to feel the sting of judgement though He heard the whispers, the grunts of disapprovement. They must have not cared though because none of them came to help him. Not even the staff to ask him to get off the floor.

No one cared for the boy whose world was crashing down around him.

 


	3. Three Weeks Earlier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys get some Brooke and Mikey best friend action.

**_Three weeks earlier_ **

 

“Mikey! Are you home?!”

Brooke stepped into the Mell household basking in the warmth the large building provided. Her frozen fingers ached as she bent down to unlace her boots.

“Michael?” She called again stepping carefully around the small puddles her boots had created.

“I’m in the basement!” A voice called back. Grinning Brooke gathered a running start towards the noise. She pushed forward slightly and began sliding down the hall. She giggled as she skated across the hardwood gracefully. Relishing the slight spark of excitement that her sock clad feet and polished floor had created.  

She squeaked as the basement door came in sight. She placed her arms in front of her, bracing for impact.

“INCOMING!” She giggled as she collided with the door with a soft thud. She leaned against the door frame pausing to catch her breath.

She grinned and opened the door gritting her teeth as the hinges squeaked in protest. Gripping the chipped railing she began bounding down the rickety stairs. Each step rocking the whole structure as she hopped down the stairs. Finally she was met with the last step. Peering down at the broken splintered hole that used to provide security to the stairs as a whole, she took a graceful leap avoiding the rotting wood crossing the threshold between the basement and the stairwell.The was a small thud as the balls of her feet hit the concrete. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She sighed contently drinking the thick musk of cardboard, weed, and what could only be defined as Michael himself.

Which was a odd mixture of what seemed to be black licorice, but not quite and lemon air freshener. Brooke felt a soft wave of contentedness wash over her as she scanned over the dimly lit room. Though her and Michael have only been friends for a few months this place has become one of her favorite places in the world.

“Honey I’m home!” She cried out.

“In here!” a voice called back from behind a stack of boxes. She smirked and made her way over to what appeared to be the storage unit of the room. She stood on her tip toes and peered over the wall of cardboard. A pair of brown eyes smiled fondly back at her.

“Hey Brooke.” Michael smiled up at her. He was sitting cross legged on the cold hard floor bins and boxes were pulled out in front of him. The contents haphazardly scattered about the area, practically swallowing the boy. She quirked her eyebrow in question and began to circle her way around his box barrier.

“Michael what the fuck are you doing?” She asked. Michael smirked back at her playfully.  “Thats for me to know and me alone.” He laughed as a pout formed on her face.

“Fine don’t tell me.” Brooke pouted as she began clearing a space for her amongst the clutter. She kissed his cheek lightly plopping herself down beside him.

“I’ve missed you my love.” She teased amusement bubbling in her as his face contorted into disgust.

“Ewwww gross, girl cooties.” He giggled. Brooke laughed as Michael started to wipe his cheek off with his hoodie sleeve. Any passerby probably would have mistaken them for a couple. They definitely wouldn’t have seen two best friends who were just comfortable enough with one another. Funny how life can be deceiving that way sometimes.

 

She could feel his eyes on her as she began picking tufts of hair out of her socks.  

“You’ve been sliding down my hallway again haven’t you?” Brooke froze her expression mimicking a dog who got caught stealing food.

“In my defense your parent shouldn’t wax the floor so much.” She said sheepishly.

“Brooke! I swear one day you’re going to fall and crack your head open.” Michael said shaking his head. Brooke stuck her tongue out at him. Grimacing as flyaways of gold stuck themselves to the saliva clover muscle.

“Blargh!” She exclaimed swiping her tongue shoving the wet strands away. Michael laughed at her his mop of hair shaking with each quiver.  She nudged him playfully with her foot a frown forming on her face.

“Real attractive Brooke.” he teased his voice laced with the ghost of his laughter.

“Shut up!” She retorted feinging anger and annoyance.  

He reached up and squished her cheeks snickering. Her flesh molding against his palms. Nudging the boy playfully she broke free from his grip. She extended her hand to him, a silent offer. He tentatively placed his smooth palm against her on, grasping her slender fingers.

“Nngh!” She grunted as she pulled the boy to his feet. Laughing as he teetered a bit, stumbling for balance. The boy grimaced in discomfort.

“I hate pins and needles.” He groaned rubbing his leg and the blood started to rush back down.  He looked up at the girl, rubbing his tingling leg trying to rid of the sensation.

“What happened?”

Brooke turned at this her eyes widening in surprise.

“What?”

Michael sighed, his eyes rolling as he shot the blonde a playful smirk.

“The only time I’ve ever seen you look like that is when you need to vent. So tell me, what happend?”

Brooke sighed in defeat, her shoulders sagging as she forced herself to look at her tan friend.

“Chloe tired to talk to me again….”

“Oh?” He responded his brow quirking.

“Yeah…She tried to convince me to come back. Saying that she was ‘sorry’ and that ‘she missed me.’ I told her that I had given her too many chances, all she’s ever done is hurt me….and then….” Brooke’s gaze fell to the floor, suddenly falling silent.

“And then?” Michael asked his tone swirling in curiosity and concern.

“And then….she said some nasty things about you…” Brooke swallowed, looking away almost guilty.

“Oh….What did she say?” Michael asked, looking more curious than hurt.

“What? No..no I don’t want to tell you.”

“Oh come on Brookey, We all know Chloe’s a self absorbed jerk. I can handle it.” He snorted, his mouth forming a thin line. Brooke looked back at him doubtfully

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Brooke took a deep breath her cheeks puffing out.

“Brooke I’ve been dealing with this my whole life, I’ll be fine okay.”

“I know but…”

“No buts, tell me what’s been eating you.”

“Okay...promise that you’ll tell me if it hurts?”

Michael smiled fondly at his friend. His fingers tracing an invisible ‘X’ on his chest.

“Cross my heart.”

Brooke returned the smile in a much meeker manor, continuing hesitantly.

“Okay well...she started going on about how you were ‘brainwashing me.’ Saying that you were ‘stealing me from where I belonged.’ That I was ‘being ridiculous.’ When I told her that I was happy where I was she got mad. Called you things like ‘fag.’ and ‘freak.’ Saying that you had corrupted me. So I um…..I’m sort of suspended now…”

Michaels eyes flew open in shock.

“WHAT! Brooke! Wha-? How!”

“........I punched her in the face.”

The two teens stared at each other, silence falling between them in a pause.

Then he laughed

“You punched her?! Brooke that’s awesome!” Michael laughed, a genuine smile cracking his lips.

“Oh thank god.” Brooke sighed in relief. “I thought I was in trouble.”

The two stood there laughing for awhile. Michael teasing her about her “defending his honor.”

A heavy feeling settling in her stomach once the laughter died. Knowing it was something she wouldn’t see for a long time.

 

She glanced down as a flash caught her attention. A shiny copy of mario kart stared back at her. The plastic film of the cover winked at her, basking in the sunlight struggling to weave it way in through the filthy window.

She grabbed it, running the pad of the thumb over the smooth surface. She loved it.

She loved it just as much as she loved everything else in the room. It seemed right at home. Amongst his figures, posters, and vintage games. Everything about the place screamed Michael. That’s why she loved it. She loved it because she loved everything about him.

His gentleness and loyalty was painted across the walls. His smile and laughter was carpeted across the floor. His nerdiness and passion was splattered over every game console and vinyl record. The whole room was dosed in his essence, and she loved every bit of it.

He was different, like no one she had ever met. He didn’t hide his dorkiness unlike Jenna. He brandished it on his chest with pride. He didn’t hide in the closet like Chloe. He embraced his sexuality with open arms. He didn’t hide behind a mask of masculinity like Rich. He didn’t feel the constant need to ‘be a man.’ He didn’t wear popularity like a cloak like Jake. He was perfectly fine the way he was.

Brooke admired him for that. He had taken her and showed her what it felt like. To be her, to be open. To be able to open her mouth and speak. To stand up and shout ‘This is who I am!’ He had grabbed her hand and led her away from that shallow hole of pettiness and gossip. He had shown her what it was like to be alive.

For that Brooke would be eternally grateful.

 That's why she stayed silent.

She wasn’t stupid.

She wasn’t a idiot

She noticed.

She noticed the dark circles that rimmed his eyes. She noticed the color draining from his cheeks day by day. She noticed the way the clothes clung to his frame, swallowing him more then usual. She noticed how he tugged his sleeves down so far that they stretched to his knuckles. She noticed the far off looks, the weak smiles, the glassy eyes.

She saw it all, but said nothing. He was different, he was special. He was so important to her. Thats why she said nothing.

The fear is what stopped her. It had taken her so long to get him to trust her, she wouldn’t risk endangering that trust. So she kept quite.

She watched his poke around his jello at lunch. She watched him walk into school, each day looking more tired than the last. She watched his eyes sink in till his eyelids were practically clinging to his eyeballs. She watched him come and go from the depths of his mind. Each trip longer than the last. She watched with a heavy heart, to cowardly to address the issue.

So she did all that she could do from the sidelines. She kissed his cheek in hope that he would see how he was loved. She hugged him in hope her arms could provide the comfort he needed. She laughed and smiled, just so she could see that ghost of a grin flicker across his lips. She dropped subtle compliments in hope that he would pick them up. She trashed talked Jeremy in hope that he would forget.

She did all this, and more. She did all this desperately trying to fill the Jeremy shaped hole in his heart, but no matter what she did. It was never enough.

The aching wound that the boy had left was festering. Eating away at what little was left of Michaels damaged heart. Infected with depression and self loathing. Brooke did all that she could. Covering the diseased hole with bandages of acceptance and support, but thats all it was.

Bandages.

They might as well have been placebos.

They may have stopped the bleeding, but they were useless when it came to infections.

And no matter how much Brooke tried she could never replace him.

She could never fill the space that he had left behind.

He watched sadly as her pale pink nails traced the shimmering film. “He gave it to you...didn’t he?” she said, as a far off look painted his face.

“Yeah…..”

She hated this, absolutely hated it. He looks so….so..so…. _broken._

Moving slowly toward the boy she outstretched her arms. “Can I?” she asked. Her eyes scanning his own for permission.

He nodded mutley, his breath hitching on a sob as her arms wrapped around his now boney middle. Brooke squeezed her eyes shut, her teeth clenching.

_Keep it in_

_Keep it in_

_Keep it in_

She could feel it. Every rib, every knotch of his spine, every jut of his shoulder blades. All straining against the thin, sickly paled sheet of skin. Each dip and cremase of his body seemed deeper and hollower than the last time. Each imprint of his skeleton pressing against her fleshy body. She could feel it _all._

She swallowed the lump forming in her throat to keep from crying.

“You love him don’t you.”

_“Yeah”_

 


	4. AUTHOR MESSAGE THINGY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We just got a letter  
> We just got a letter  
> We just got a letter  
> I wonder who it's from!

Hey,  
So I'm just checking in I guess????  
Like do you want to see more of this?  
Do you like it/want me to continue?  
Let me know.  
(PS sorry for the Blues Clues)


	5. You're Not Sick Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay  
> Jere is a sad boi

Shallow breaths bounced off the tiles of the bathroom walls. Jeremy stood over the sink, gripping the counter with white trembling knuckles. The note staring back at him, burning holes into his head.

_Your fault_

_Your fault_

_Your fault_

_Your fault_

The phrase repeated itself over and over. Someone had lowered the needle on to the record of guilt and was letting it skip over and over in his head.

_Your fault_

_Your fault_

_Your fault_

He could hear it. The rushing _ba bump ba bump_ of his pulse, as his panicked heart rate quickened. The sound of blood rushing across his body, through his thick purple veins.

_Ba bump_

_Ba bump_

_Ba bump_

The sound was getting louder as his breathing became harsher and sharper. He was suddenly very aware. His arms tenses as he tuned into the sound. He was hyper aware of the feeling, the tingle. The spread through every finger, every limb. He could feel every pound and beat of his own heart. Every rush, ripple, and cell of his blood coursing through him.

_Ba bump_

_Ba bump_

_Ba bump_

God how had he not noticed this before? The sound was deafening. Pounding in his skull, it was driving him mad. The sound of breath and flesh. The sound of bones and organs. A sound of muscles and cells. The sound of being alive

_Ba bump_

_Ba bump_

_Ba bump_

_A sound Micheal might not make again_

A soft whimper passed his lips at that thought. His whole body tensing every bone and muscles. Locking his knees in elbows painfully as he gripped the marble counter harder. Every knuckle was screaming in protest as they were bent feather then they ever were before. Skin pinching between each abnormally bent notch of his boney fingers.

His jaw aching as he clenched his teeth harder, grinding them together. It hurt, but it was better than the clack of a trembling loosened jaw. Dry aching eyes squeezed themselves shut as Brookes tired furious face popped into his mind. Her sneer flashing in front of him.

_“Where were you?”_

Her words ringing in his head. Where was he? He was slaming kids into lockers and shoving his tongue down Jenna’s throat. A shuddered sigh escaped his dry cracking lips. His throat ached and his head was pounding. It was full, so full. Her words and screams mixed a concoction of guilt and confusion.

For a brain screaming from being stuffed to the brim, his thoughts were surprisingly blank.

He lurched forward, grasping the cool faucet handle. Relishing the smooth cold metal beneath his fingers. Attaching him to reality.

_Reality_

Oh fuck oh fuck! His stomach twisted as a wave of sickness washed over him. Turning his gangly legs into useless noodles. Unable to support his weight. He gripped the faucet desperately as his legs gave out beneath him. Hyperventilating he hung there uselessly to the counter. His head resting on the cold wet marble. Staring blankly at the dirty tiles beneath them. Willing them to open up and swallow his boney frame whole. To take him far away.

“ _This is real.”_ He thought _“Oh god this is actually happening_ ”  A small gasp rang out, scratching against the parched walls of his throat. Stinging the rawness of his lungs, as he began dry heaving. Empty sobs floating through the thick, suffocating air.   
Too much

It was too much. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t do this. There was too much. Too much.

Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much. Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much.Too much. Too much-

**_“Too much what?”_ **

Jeremy snapped his head up and was met with cold blue eyes. A empty chuckle sent shivers down his hunched spine as he stared at the Squip with wide eyes.

 **_“Jesus you’re pathetic”_ ** It stared back at him. The assumed smirk falling from its face. **_“Stand up straight!”_ ** It jeered snapping its fingers. A harsh shock rippled down Jeremy’s spin without warning. His whole body tensing as the wave of pain struck his already worn body. Causing him to let out a involuntary shriek.

 **_“I said stand!”_ ** Jeremy’s grip on the faucet slipped as he hit the floor with a thud. Another shock coursed through him. His head throwing back and smacking on the floor.  He bit his lip in pain, muffling his screeching to a sharp whimper. His throat felt like it was going to rip open as sharp wail writhed out.   

 **_“Stand god dammit!”_ **  Jeremy’s back arched as the shocks began to pulsate through him. His nerves quacked from over stimulation. His limbs flailing as he slid across the gross floor.

It hopped off the counter, staring apathetically at him as he sputtered and gasped in pain.

 **_“Do I have to do everything around here?”_ ** It said with a bored tone, kneeling over his spasming body. Rolling its eyes the Squip clapped sharply. Jeremy’s eyes flew open with a gasp as the sharp pain came to a halting stop The relief flooded through him ceased as he stood.

Involuntary

He looked at the Squip as his body moved on its own, in a surprisingly calm manner for someone who had been writhing on the floor less than a minute before. As soon as his feet hit the floor the Squip released its control. Jeremy scrambled for support, clawing at the wall. Leaning his weak and worn frame against the bricks. It watched him heave in cough with shaky arms. Gripping to the wall like it was a life line he raised his head and glared at the smirking blue figure floating in front of him.

 _“What the actual fuck was that?!”_ Jeremy cried. The Squip rolled its eyes nonchalantly.

 **_“Simple obedience training. In order for this to work you have to listen at all times Jeremy. I can’t tolerate any kind of defiance. My main objective is to help you become socially...adequate. In order for me to do so you must do as I say. At all times. You weren’t listening, so I enforced a fit….”_ ** It trailed off looking the weary boy up and down with disgusted look. **_“Punishment.”_ **

_“Fit?! FIT?!”_ Jeremy cried in disbelief. _“My best friend is dying as you call that fit! What is wrong with-”_ Jeremy’s rant came to a halt as the Squip raised its hand, fingers pursed together. It’s brow raised in a warning. Jeremy fell silent as a cold dread sunk into him. He cleared his throat and backed off reluctantly. _“Right….sorry…”_

 **_“Good boy.”_ ** The Squip cooed, making Jeremy’s stomach twist in discomfort. It shot him a approving nod and pointed at the sink. **_“Now go take a look at yourself.”_ **

Jeremy reluctantly moved from the wall and stumbled back to the sink. Glancing in the mirror he was met with the dead bloodshot eyes of a stranger. His hair plastered to his head is sweat coated sheet. His cracked lips were covered in read bite marks. His pale face as almost translucent, his veins looking ghostly beneath the skin.Dirt smeared his forehead and neck in dark streaks.  A bruise from where he had hit his cheek was starting to form. Dirty clothes ruffled over his thin frame.

The Squip eyed him silently as he leaned forward. Splashing cool water over his miserable face. The running water was the only sound that filled the tension coated room. Jeremy turned the faucet off with a creek. Wiping the water off with his sleeve. Leaning over the sink he no longer felt like a bundle of nerves.

He felt empty.

Not to be confused with numb. No not at all, he still felt something. It was just nothing.

He gingerly reached for the crinkled sweat covered note. A odd feeling of calmness washing over him. The Squip was watching him more intensely now. Jeremy unwrinkled the note smoothing out the edges the best he could, and with a shaky breath he began to read.

 

Dear Brooke, 

I’m sorry. So sorry. 

Oh god he couldn’t do this.

I know that isn’t much to say, and for that I’m sorry. I just need to tell you that there's nothing that you could have done. I don’t want you to blame yourself. I know it’s such a silly thing to ask. But even now as I’m sitting here pencil in hand, absolutely shaking I’m sorry. It’s selfish of me I know, but I can’t help but think this is the only way. The only way I can truly be free. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I just couldn’t do it. To see him walk by and not even see me was painful enough, but you were always there. I had you. But then he said that to me and I couldn’t help but think that he’s right. God Brooke I love him so much it disgusts me. 

Jeremy felt his breath hitch. Pausing he looked up at the Squip, it looked back wat him. A huge cheshire cat grin plastered to its face.   I hate that I love him, I hate it so much. I hate that I did these things to myself because of him. I hate how I’m so pathetic to the point where I literally can’t be without him. I just can’t. When he told me how disgusting I was and how I deserved to die. 

Jeremy’s eyes widened as his heart stopped. _What?_ He never….that….he didn’t….

The way he looked at me, everyone was staring Brooke. That cold face of disgust and pity made me want to slit my throat right then and there. Then when he grabbed my wrist and- 

Jeremy quickly shoved the note in his pocket. Unable to bear anymore. He could feel his presence, his articulated stare.

 _“_ What did you do? _”_

The Squip stared back at him in mock surprise. **_“Jeremy you’re speaking to me outload, you know that’s not-”_ **

“What. The. Fuck. Did. You. Do.” Jeremy gritted at the Squip. It stared back at him blink twice, looking coldly into Jeremy’s intense glare. **_“The boys unstable Jeremy he can’t-”_ **

“Bullshit.” Jeremy spat.

The Squip sighed in defeat. **_“Fine. If it will make you stop talking outloud.”_ ** It sighed apathetically. **_“But keep in mind I’m only doing this because if I shock you again you’ll die.”_ **

With a snap of its fingers Jeremy was submerged again. Memories flashing in front of him. He watched as one slowly began to melt in place. The cold hospital bathroom suddenly becoming the hallways of a very familiar high school.

He remembered this day. He watched in confusion as Rich bounced by chatting his ear off, god it was weird seeing yourself interact with others. He scanned the halls until he was met with a bright red hoodie.

He froze

Michaels cheeks were hollowed, and and he looked stick thin. It was like looking at the living dead.

Jeremy swallowed the lump in his throat.

 _“Jeremy! Jeremy!”_ He watched as Michael harshly tugged on his bag. Causing him to spin around and face him. He remembered this….He-....The Squip had unblocked Micheal from  his vision. Saying in order to keep his image he need to address the issue. He remembered the way Michaels face had lit up when he realized Jeremy could see him.

He remembered the conversation between him and the Squip. The one past him must have been having now

The way he stared at Michael in shock.

_“Wha-...what do I do?”_

**_“Let me talk to him Jeremy, I’ll handle this.”_ **

_“I-....O-okay...Just don’t hurt him okay?”_

**_“Okay.”_ **

And just like that he had faded to black, and he never say Michael again.

A thud rung throughout the halls, and Jeremy froze. Michael was laying on the ground, Jeremy’s squip controlled figure looming over him. He winced as his voice- no the Squips rang out, **_“Don’t fucking touch me fag!”_ **

Michael stared back, his brown eyes wide with fear. _“Wha-....?”_ Everyone stopped in their tracks and began to crowd around them. Jenna wedging her way in front phone in hand.

 **_“You fucking heard me”_ ** Jeremy felt sick, he watched in dread as the Squip jeered at his best friend. **_“Stop fucking following me. Don’t you get it? I don’t want you around anymore.”_ ** Michael lay there, tears forming in his eyes. Jeremy reached out for him, but was instead met with air.

 **_“Stop following me like a love struck puppy. It’s never going to happen.”_ ** Michael squealed as the Squip snagged his wrist. Jeremy watched in horror as Michael tried to tug away. The Squip laughed as it yanked his sleeve up. Michael stared up in utter horror as everyone around him gazed at his exposed arm. Scars littering the paled thin skin, a loud _click_ filled the hall along with a bright flash. Jenna snickered as she began to furiously type. The Squip roughly shoved Michaels arm away with a sneer. **_“Do us all a favor, and finish the job next time.”_ **

Jeremy’s heart stopped. He watched as Michael ran off, the laughter fading as The Squip smirked.

Jeremy cried out to him, but was it was too late. He desperately tried to scramble past the crowd but  the memory was already fading.

 _“No! Nonononono!”_  He cried _“Take me back!”_ But it was too late. The hallway had once again become the bathroom.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT!” Jeremy screamed.

**_“Jeremy calm down someone might-”_ **

“CALM DOWN?!” Jeremy’s heart pounded as anger coursed through his veins “CALM DOWN! YOU KILLED HIM!”  
**_“Now technically I did not-”_ **

“YOU DID YOU FUCKING DROVE HIM! YOU KILLED HIM!”

The Squip clapped its hands, and Jeremy's mouth immediately clamped shut. It srode over it’s normally uncaring demeanor gone.

**_“Now you listen to me! You asked me to get you Christine! That is what I am doing! With Michael around that never would have happened! Fuck you don’t even need me to get her! She’s liked you for awhile now! HE’s the only reason you haven’t done anything about it! He’s holding you back!”_ **

Jeremy gasped as his jaw was suddenly unhinged. “Wha-...what are you even talking about?”

**_“Oh don’t give me that shit Jeremy. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”_ **

“N-no...no I don’t” Jeremy snapped his head away staringing into the sink’s void of a drain.

The Squip cackled **_“Oh my god! Jeremy I AM INSIDE YOUR BRAIN! I feel the things you do! I see your thoughts! I know exactly how you feel about Michael, and let me tell you that is not platonic.”_ **

“I don’t know what youre talking about. I’m straight.”

**_“Oh? So it’s normal for straight guys to imagine what it’s like to have their best bro sucking their neck?”_ **

“Shut up.”

**_“You’re in denial Jeremy”_ **

“No I’m not.”

**_“Yes you are, you are. It’s because of her isn’t it. Because she thinks its a “sickness.” You don’t want to disappoint her, Right?”_ **

“I don’t know what your talking about.”

 **_“Just in case I came back?”_ ** Jeremy’s heart stopped as the unusual female voice cooed in his ear. Looking into the mirror he let out a strangled cry. Keanu was no longer glaring at him, but instead a thin faced woman was staring at him concerned. Her sad whisper wafting to to him, pulling him heart strings harshly. He tensed as her arms wrapped gently around him, her head resting delicalty on his shoulder.

**_“You’re not sick like Mommy is, right baby?”_ **


	6. Authors Note

Hi,  
I want to thank you all for reading this fic it means so much to me. And I will continue it, but there are a few things I would like to say first.  
This will not be a suicide gloarifying fic. Suicide is a real issue, and it is very serious. I refuse to protray it in any way that might come across as positive, or put it on a pedestal. This is not 13 Reasons Why.  
Also I would like to say the Jeremy is not and will not be the soul purpose for Micheals spiral into depression and attempt. I feel that would be unrealistic and out of charaecter. I refuse to protray him in that way, Micheal has a life and purpose outside of Jeremy. I refuse to use him just as a plot device for drama, or have him have no personality outside of loving Jeremy. He is so much more than that.  
Jeremy may have played a part in Micheals suicide attempt, but only a small fraction. I'm not going to reveal anything, but there will be other factors besides Jeremy and the Squip that cause Micheal to snap. Also there is going to be some homophic slurs/behavior. I didn't tag this before because honestly I wasn't going to include this at all until chapter 5 and it just happened. I put it in the tags, but if you don't think you can handle it I suggest you don't read any further. It's perfectly fine if you can't, I don't want to be the cause of someone having a horrible reaction to someting I wrote.  
Also on a side note there is going to be some playride and some onsided pinkberry. Maybe some expensiveheadphones sprinkled in, I don't know.  
Thank you so much for all the nice comments and support, it has really boosted my confedence as a writer.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOL IM BACK

All was well and fine in the Heere household. It really was, really truly was.

It was fine.

 _was_.

Jeremy would have never guessed his mother was sick.

Not like cancer sick, or cold sick, she was what she called sick in the head.

The mind, it was rotten according to her.

Her behavior was dirty, nasty, unnatural.

All was fine.

All was good.

All was perfect.

All was damn peachy fucking keen.

Until that day came, Jeremy fucking hated just thinking about it. It made his stomach twist, and his knees turn to the wiggliest of jellies. You see it had all been good until Jeremy and his dad came home from the movies a bit early. To find the shades drawn, lights out, and his mother on the couch with her secratary between her legs. Moaning. Just like that his family was smashed like a robins egg. Who knew something could be that fragil, that god damn delicate. He remembered her too, the secratary. Hannah was her name, bright eyes and a sweet smile. She always had made his heart skip a beat when he visted his mom at work. Like mother like son, the apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree. She had come into his room that night, the shouting and screaming finally ceesed. Her dusty grey eyes were worn and red rimmed. Even when he felt the weight of his bed shift he didn't look up. He couldn't bare to even spare her a glance.

God how broken she had sounded.

_"Mommy's sick baby, sick...sick in the head. But don't you worry, she's going to a special place. A place where they'll fix me up, make me all better, and when I come back we can be a family again...I promise."_

She had a bag with her.

_"Mommy's sick"_

_"Yeah.."_ Jeremy thought.

_"Yeah you really fucking are."_

 


End file.
